Rehearsing vs. Romancing Friendship
A BookSnailMail Interlude
But first, writing
Do I talk about poo too much? Yes. So I made use of my obsession and wrote this piece for The Belladonna: “I’m Your Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I am Signing Us Up for Couple’s Therapy”
The Lumiere Review included one of my poems in their Justice series. You can read it here (content warning for police violence).
On Love and Dearly Won Friends
A few days before Labor Day, I booked a trip spontaneously. My friend had invited a small group of us to visit her hometown, a beach town in Florida. Tickets weren’t cheap, but they also weren’t lavish. The flight was a red eye. We planned to work from home, but otherwise there was no agenda.
This trip was wholly different to the my usual way of travel - typically I spend months on planning and anticipation. I usually visit a friend in NYC or meet up with them in the mountains. These are “doing” types of trips (I “do” camping, hiking, climbing, shopping). I don’t like beach vacations because they are “passing” trips. I don’t like “passing” time on the sand or in the water. I don’t like getting wet and then sandy and then dry but still having sand in every orifice. The sun legitimately makes me sick (apparently this is dehydration). But still, I went on this trip because my absolute best friend was going, and I was in a liminal life space and needed a chance to simply vibe.
Because my best friend was there I knew the trip would be good, but I did not realize my entire idea of trips would be turned on its head. I now see that both “doing” or “passing” trips are a type of rehearsal. They are chances to be in the same space as your friend and rehearse your thoughts and actions in a place both of you may never return to. You create a situation and then simulate it. It’s fine. It’s fancy. It’s expensive, and maybe that makes us think it is great.
This Florida trip was no rehearsal. It was a romance. We did what we would do if we were bringing home a partner to meet our family. My friend took us to her childhood haunts, told us formative stories, and shared her family’s food with us (new fan of börek here). I let the humid air loosen my joints, and my limbs turned different shades in the sun. We went to the pier every night, sometimes just to use the bathroom on the way home. The ocean water was fizzling warm, and one day we swam meters from where we spotted dolphins the night before. We watched Bridesmaids and White Chicks and held hands under knit blankets. We spewed compliments at random women in the streets, and bought matching platform shoes from Turkey on a whim. We cruised all the expensive neighborhoods and picked out which million dollar house we would buy (in our dreams). We took 8 million showers, and made each other drink so much water. My skin broke out a lot, and it felt like purging.
The trip gave me a chance to reflect on friendships. This wasn’t a “four best friends” trip - I actually didn’t know two of the girls that well. But, my soulmate friend was going to be there, and I trust her (like, if she told me to fall forwards in a trust fall where she stood behind me, I would do it). The other two were her good friends, so my friends by proxy. The trip didn’t end up just being good. It was an elixir of healing. I think it’s because we simply let go. We fell into each other and held each other up the way we expect romantic partners to do. We dropped each other off at the front of the parking lot, carried each other’s shoes when our feet hurt, and put necklaces on each other before we went out. We were patrons of the same iced coffee store every morning. We didn’t Venmo request each other the whole time. We were so intentionally gentle. It was a rare, luxurious treat.
End Summer with a Heist
This summer, I have been traversing a certain niche of “thrillers” - the heist novel. However, my focus has been on reading BIPOC authors, who have used this trope to examine effects of colonization, stereotypes, criminal justice, gaslighting, and more. Here are four I read (kind of) recently:
Counterfeit by Kristin Chen - When straight-edge Ava reconnects with the mysterious Winnie, she gets pulled into a counterfeit purse scheme. Winnie isn’t the only con though. Ava has been intentionally ignoring the truth about her failing marriage and law career. Could working together give her the sense of purpose she is looking for? This one was SO fun on audio, and full of twists.
Blacktop Wasteland by S.A. Cosby - This is perhaps the most serious book in this line-up. It follows Bug on a do or die trip that involves a jewelry heist and trip back to a tumultuous past.
Portrait of a Thief by Grace D. Li - This is a slow burn thriller that I am currently reading on audio. Four college students commit high brow art heists to restore justice and take back what colonialism has stolen. In the process, they each contend with their identities as Chinese-Americans.
Exalted by Anna Dorn - Alright, this one is not exactly a heist novel, but it does involve a con. Emily Forrest is an Instagram astrologer who has no faith in her art. However, when she get a DM from a sexy photographer and his chart reads “exalted”, she gets obsessed. Meanwhile, Dawn is a self-destructive lesbian. Everyone pretends to be someone they are not, pursuing things they think they want. Get ready to *scream* when their paths collide.
Readings on Friendship
One of my favorite articles - imagine if friendship (not marriage) was the center of life. By the way, this author is working on a full book on this topic.
This article’s title stopped me in my tracks: “It’s Your Friends Who Break Your Heart”. It’s full of truth, though. My best friend (who I don’t plan on losing anytime soon) pulled out this quote from the article: “"I’ve aged out of the friendship-collecting business, which tends to peak in the tumbleweed stage of life, when you’re still young enough to spend Saturday evenings with random strangers and Sunday mornings nursing hangovers at brunch. Instead, I should be in the friendship-enjoying business, luxuriating in the relationships that survived as I put down roots."
Not only do we need to redefine friendship, but we need to reimagine the stories we tell ourselves about trans love. Read this article by Isle McElroy.
Here is permission to rub your face on your lover’s. Or your best friend’s! (Also, I learned the term “skin hunger”)
Very solid advice and musings on friendships that break your heart (is this a theme!?)
More advice on how to show up for your friends
"like, if she told me to fall forwards in a trust fall where she stood behind me, I would do it" this made me tear up a bit, thank you for this beautiful piece